Hi, my name is Morgan, and I’m an alcoholic, addict, and ACA (adult child of an alcoholic). For as long as I can remember, I was always searching for a place to belong, to feel safe and comforted in. My parents are both alcoholic.
I vaguely remember my childhood, but I can remember how angry I would get when my mom wouldn’t open the bathroom door. My dad was a workaholic. He stayed gone most of the time to bring home the bank.
I talk about my parents a lot because alcoholism and addiction are simply a family affair — and, thank God, so is recovery.
My first experience with using a substance started when I found bags of it in the house I grew up in. I had just turned 13 years old. I never understood why everyone around me stayed so high. So if I couldn’t beat them, I decided I would join them.
My perspective was highly distorted. I assumed the drinks/drugs were the problem. After a gradual incline in using/drinking, my life quickly became an uphill battle. I was addicted to cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol by the time I was 15.
I assumed one of the three was the problem, so I would cut it from my daily usage. My tolerance became too low, so I would substitute one for the other. I couldn’t understand why I was so compelled to drink. I was highly impulsive and angry about my childhood. Add in a crippling drug addiction, mania, depression, high-functioning anxiety, 1,000 forms of fear — what a recipe for disaster.
My addiction was truly a rollercoaster, and I assumed I was always the conductor. I was a slave to the disease. There was no such thing as control. I lacked the power to stop, so I needed a Power greater than myself to restore my life to sanity.
I was completely agnostic when coming to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank God I had legal problems. I had been in the court system since I was 14. I was in an eight-month adolescent drug court program. Little did I know, I wouldn’t graduate until I was a month away from 18.
Because a power greater than me intervened, and the lovely Judge P., I was sent to the Independence House in Corbin. I found the identity I had lost trying to please others. I found the sense of belonging I had been searching for my whole life.
I have so much more to say about the miracle of this program and what it has to offer. I firmly believe that giving the God of my own understanding my will and my life is the best thing for me today. My will is starting to align with God’s will, and I can remember the desperation I had lying on the bathroom floor trying to kill myself because I hated myself.
The desperation is the biggest gift I’ve been given. I am so grateful to the fellowship and the program of AA for loving me back to life. Recovery is possible. I am living proof and so are my parents. I have been clean and sober since April 7, 2018.
I am able to be a daughter today, a sister, a friend, a boss, a partner. I have been given grand opportunities and have the ability to be grateful for them. I’m so glad I’m alive today. I have inner peace today. I have the ability to tell the truth. I can show up for those in need. I can answer the phone when someone reaches out. I am so grateful that I get to share my experience, strength, and hope with you all.